Monday, March 2, 2009;
♥ 8:24 AM
was having a real bad time ytd. yeah so this is gna be a trash out session. so dont read if you dont wanna be affected. (okay actually i think no one really reads my blog, so nvm)
was so excited abt dinner & stayover with girlfriends after 2 months. but it turned out to be a reality check, totally not wht I expected.
dinner ended up with her friends. well yes thou she did ask if we mind. but it'd be just kinda mean to say yes we do then she'll have to part with them and miss gathering with them and stuff(thou she sees them 5days a wk alr), or maybe it'll just put her in a v difficult position. bt personally i didnt mind tht much cos i was thinking there'd be slpover ltr, so we can always catch up ltr over at her hse. bt guess other gf wasnt really okay, thou she didnt say, i should have sensed it right from the start frm her response. damn it. i actually thought her dont mind with the condition was really DONT MIND. and i shld have further guessed when she took near 2hrs to reach. when i called why she's taking so long to come, she said raining, so i wanted to borrow umbrella to go fetch her, but when she heard, she immd said oh rain stop alr and ended the call.
then she was quite quiet, then like quite sian thruout. then suddenly she say she go buy smth, ask us call her ltr. but when we called her when we're leaving, she said she's on the bus home alr. i was like totally stunned, seriously. i didnt know how to react. guess other gf was shocked too. i really couldnt understand her decision. cos its like i was very quiet thruout too, i was just listening them talking and stuff. its nt as if i was enjoying my time there. i dno, i just think she didnt have to do tht. bt aft tht she said SHE dont even have time for us, next time bah. tht sentence just got into me, so strongly. then i thought like yeah its true also, she really dont even have time for us. so maybe afterall i was the stubborn one, decieving myself tht she'll fill us in aft dinner when we gt to her hse.
by murphy's law, everything i didnt expect/want to happen, happened. so aft tht i was telling gf i still wanna stayover at hers, at least she can fill me in first. and surprise surprise! she said she havent asked her mum, and she wld wanna 'slp' with her mum and talk to her cos her parents have been unhappy with her lately cos she's always out for camps, nv at home, then like dont care about family anymore and stuff. so maybe wont be a gd time to slpover. i was like wth? i mean initially both of us were supposed to slpover alr. imgaine if the other gf stayed on thinking we'd be slping over ltr, yet in the end find out oops sorry we cant, wouldnt tht be even worse? i mean its just so unethical and mean in a way. as in like, if tht was wht she thought of initially, she shldn't have given us the green light and say yeah we can stayover, tht wld be fine. if she said no she's nt free, i wldnt feel so sad, or i wouldnt feel sad at all cos we cant meet up (cos she has nv been able to meet up with us since jan, so im too numb to her 'oh-no-so-sorry-i-cant-im-not-free-cos-i-have-camps/smth on') i know it sounds mean, but in tht sense i wouldnt feel sad at all or tht sad. its the DISAPPOINTMENT i get outta my expectations tht makes me feel so awful and dejected.
maybe i shld have gotten the hint tht she didnt really want us to stayover cos she asked 3 times 'so how? - how as in like are we still gg her place to stayover or wht.' sadly i was too dumb to sense tht, until ltr she told me how i didnt realise tht she kept asking cos she didnt really want us over. so aft dinner i thought she was gg back alr, but she said she's gg mustafa w them to gt some stuff for camp. so i said i didnt mind gg along cos i didnt really wanna go home cos i was prepared to stay out alr anw. then she was like 'are you sure you wanna join us, cos we might be done quite late' i said nvm, cos anw the one who drives says he live in the west and can drop us home. so as long as i can get home, i'd be fine with anything. she asked me a few times too. aft i hopped on, she told me they're gg for coffee first then mustafa, and might get really late. i was like wht?! goodness. its no wonder she slps 2-3hrs a day cos she always hangs out soooo late. so i was like oh nvm la, i'll just sit for a while then maybe i'll go off on my own ltr. then she decided to just tell me straight tht 'they have smth to say' by typing on the hp. so i was like OH. then i realised all along she's been hinting to me to ask me go home and dont go w them. she prolly knew right frm the start they wld be gg for coffee then mustafa to gt stuff, so she was hinting me not to go mustafa w them.
okay so she walked me to the bustop. and i think she really couldnt stand my dumbness and insensitivity anymore cos thru the whole ordeal earlier on, she hinted me on 3 things, nt to slpover, nt to go mustafa, not to go coffee. in which the last she decided to just tell me straight cos she know i'll prolly nv get her msg of 'go home, dont come w us'. yeah so she started tht i shldnt have asked some guy to help me collect stuff when i dont know him well. she said he prolly gave some hints to send the msg tht i dont know him well why am i asking him to help me. she said this is not the first time alr, there're couple of other instances, which she cant rmb. so she says these are unspoken rules which i have to take note of, have to be more sensitive or alert when ppl speak in a certain way/manner, they might be trying to hint smth. cos its like nxt time when i go out to work and deal with different ppl, they're not obliged to tell me to take note of this and that, they might just get pissed or freak out and stay away from me and thats it. they're not gna correct me abt this and that, the do's and dont's. well i totally agree with her. she being my bestie thts why she bothers telling me, just like a mum.
bt precisely its frm bestie, thts why it pricks my heart and hurts cos i know how true it is, for a bestie to tell me tht. well bt yeah, truthful words are nv pleasant to the hear. bt i really do appreciate her for telling me so. i wonder who ever wld if she doesnt. and yes i do agree tht i may be very insensitive at times. i dno if im dumb or wht. i just dont think much into wht ppl say. i take it as a-very-matter-of-fact. i dont like playing guessing games or thinking games when conversing. so whtever ppl say, i just take it as it is. dont really bother if there's a hidden agenda or anything. prolly i just dont like the idea of thinking so hard or suspecting ppl's words for wht they are. i mean dont they find it just too taxing to converse in this manner, to have a hidden agenda in every sentence? i find tht this makes the whole environment ard you and your relationships with ppl ard you very superficial and unreal due to the lack of trust and honesty. but i guess this skill will be essential in working life and i will have to mastered it sooner or later. or else ppl will just find me a nuisance someday due to my insensitivity. or ppl with a different frequency will just nv get it =x
bt i have no idea why she nv has time for us. i mean yes obviously i know she's hell busy (i mean who doesnt know right?) bt you can see tht she hangs out pretty much with her camp mates outta camp too (as you see from the photos on fb). or just take dinner tht night as an example, why cant she just sacrifice having dinner with them JUST THIS ONCE (with the fact tht she's alr with them 5 days a wk) and just come have dinner with the 2 of us alone. well i know for a fact tht she's treated. and yes i paid for my gf's share cos she left halfway. well bt thts nt the point. this is clearly a matter of choice, and if this decision of hers implies tht she favours them over us, well then guess im just SPEECHLESS. Keeping your friends close to you is nv a matter of convenience, it needs sacrifice, time and effort, of which im not guilty to say i have not done. Obviously she conveniently merged our dinners tgt, which shouldnt be the way. Well im not saying we cant have dinners tgt if her intention was to introduce her friends to us and we to her friends, bt tht obviously wasnt her intention. prolly she was just too irritated with us bugging her to meet up and stuff, so she just sweepingly agreed to have dinner and stayover just to shut our ass up and leave her alone. Yea maybe we really shld, cos it ALWAYS takes 2 hands to clap.
maybe prolly until some day when she's dead bored (well i guess tht will NEVER happen) or when smth happened at camp, then she MIGHT come look for us. thou thts exactly wht friends are for - to be in every kind of shit with you and to hold your back whenever you're about to fall. thou thts wht i say, but guessed i'll nv be able to just leave her alone cos i cant bare to see us drift apart, i'll nv want to and i dont wanna risk tht. its too big a bet.
obviously i didnt and wont tell her all these cos she felt so bad alr tht night for treating us like tht. how do you expect me to say all these out. and i cant bare to see her sad or make her feel any worse. but maybe i shld tell her someday too, about things btw her parents and her. think the issue shld be dealt with soon, or it might just escalate into smth really bad and awful beyond repair. but also needa find time to talk to her and stuff. actually im glad she's quitting full time aft mar. cos its really just too tiring.
i was so down tht i just needed someone to talk to. even if its just entertaining me abt unrelated stuff just to kp my mind of the matter. thought of geodude and peanuts, but guess i shouldnt bother them cos they prolly have their own stuff to bother abt. and another gf is prolly down too. i mean thou she says she's fine, but its obvious tht she isn't. but since she said tht, she prolly doesnt wanna talk abt it anymore so guess i shld just leave her alone too (goodness i actually got tht sign!) but J was really nice to hear me out, thanks a lot dude. i really needed tht, its really appreciated! (:
wonder why ppl whom we love most are the ones who'll disappoint us the most. prolly cos we've got so much higher expectations of them as compared to the others, hence it will seem tht they disappoint us the most. but we're all just human, so are they.
after saying all these, i still love my gfs (:
And then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember ...
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
That's what friends are for;
(:
the voice of truth
tells me a different story
the voice of truth says
'do not be afraid'
