Friday, March 27, 2009;
♥ 1:05 PM
Graduation - Vitamin CAnd so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And there was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be, friends forever
So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be, friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be, friends forever
I know this sounds like such a cliche song ever since dinos were still around, but somehow, it ALWAYS speaks to me, ever since young. maybe it wont anymore after 25. haha. i dont know. prolly it was meant to be a perfect song for the norm education years, all the way till U-grad. Cos ordinary man would have settled down by 25 or so. and in any kinda grduation, i just feel that the song is so so apt, be in primary, secondary, jc, and even now, before we girls begin on this journey in a totally new phase of life.
but thts exactly wht me and sm wld always do once in a while - talk on the phone thru the wee hours of the night and just talk abt anything and everything. and yes we always like to talk about the future, wht we're gna be like, wht we're gna do, wht kinda bfs we'll have and rant abt how unfair life is etc. haha. thou it may get very unrealistic at times, bt it makes one happy. cos its just human nature to anticipate the future. No matter how unsure we are of our future, we wld all like to know whts the ending for us. is tht is for me? but see, whts the point of knowing it before the time comes? if funny how man always percieves and expects things to be like this and like tht, and get all so disappointed and upset when it doesnt turn out so - whoever said it was supposed to be like tht in the first place?
wht is a 'FAIR'/'UNFAIR' life? wht is the basis of it? wht are the standards it has to adhere to? life only SEEMS unfair cos of wht one has but the other doesnt. its the comparison made that makes us think life is indeed unfair/fair. i know it sounds very cliche again, bt seriously, stop comparing and instead, really start living your life, treasure your relationships with ppl and cherish all the things you HAVE. when you compare, you're missing out on all the good stuff tht you never ever realised you have, cos you're just so focused on all the things tht you DONT have. but yes it is human nature to see wht we dont have at fore sight.
you have to admit tht choosing and decided which uni and wht courses to take has been forcing us to grow up overnight cos decision making is exaclty wht grown-ups do. theres no longer room and time for 'i dont know wht im gna do', 'i dont know wht i wanna study', 'im gna think abt it later' yes those thoughts do still linger in our minds, but this time round is different, we have make a decision now by hook or by crook. suddenly, its like we're women and men.
and yes we're all gna go our separate ways in a few months time (make tht 5), and yes we're no longer gna hang out just as much, or we might not even hang out tgt anymore cos we all have our own lives, our own new friends, but really, i'll always hang on to this verse: 'As we go on, we remember, all the times we had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be, friends forever' (:
YES KAT REALLY LOVES HER FRIENDS <3
the voice of truth
tells me a different story
the voice of truth says
'do not be afraid'
Monday, March 23, 2009;
♥ 12:39 PM
okay yes its finally time to update. lots of stuff has been happening. and since the accountant isnt in tdy, so i shall slack and fill you in. hoho. so this will be a mega super duper longggg post.
yup so sb4 met up on 5th, day before results day. ate at marina sqaure MOF. it's really great catching up (: so results day came, i took leave cos i was thinking i wouldnt have the heart to be at work. and yes indeed i was dead scared. and i just wanted to find someone to go to sch with. gf aint free. so i ended up joining barney and win's class in celebrating denice's birthday. there were like 2 cakes, bt it was mega delicious. one was frm awfully choc cos barney works there! okay so came 230, met up with the class and sat in the hall - we were all super duper scared, the atmosphere was just so tense. okay so the principal addressed us and up came the names of those with 7As, 6As, 4H2 As, and 3H2 As. Hari had 6As, feel like kicking his butt cos the day before he was just saying how he is so not getting on stage cos he was saying he fell aslp during math. in the end he didnt only gt 3As, bt double tht. okay whtever. jtoh, daryl, bing, swai, angel, phuong, mel all had 3H2 As. congrats ppl. kinda surprised xwini didnt cos she's one of those expected ones. just as much as i dreamt and said i wanna gt my results on stage in j1 during the same period, i was hoping at least 2As-chem & math.
bt surprise surprise! i had none ): i was uber disappointed. Bs and Cs, were kinda crap results to me. almost everyone had A for h1 econs, and i got a C. sigh, prolly i just wasnt cut out for econs in the first place. i really really felt like crying, bt i really didnt want to, i told myself tht i cannot cry. i dont want ppl to console me, to pity me. until i saw huihui and ask her how she did. she did relatively well. when she saw me, she just knew i wanted to cry. somehow i dno why, i just couldnt hold my tears back in front of her, maybe cos i knew i didnt needa put up a strong front in front of her. or rather i know i couldnt, cos she can just see thru it all. and when my mum called, she heard BCD, and said huh so lousy arh, and i totally just broke down. i quickly cooled down cos i didnt wanna cry. then went town to eat ding tai fung with toh,seah,wen,dan. then went toh hse to wii and guitar heroes. well i didnt really have the mood to play, bt it certainly did divert my attention away a lil. i was so tired tht i cabbed home. went online and got to know just how much i fell short of other's expectations of me and K even talked to me on fb to check if i was okay. yeah i know i've disppointed many many ppl, including myself. im sorry but tht is the fact. guess want i can do now is to embrace it, find a course in uni tht i want and start afresh frm there and work hard all over again.
bt really, its easier said than done, cos all my hopes and dreams were like dashed all of a sudden, and i was kinda lost. i didnt really know how to react or wht to do. aviation management was all i ever wanted to take ever since i got to know abt it. i wanted to do aerospace engineer before i got to know abt aviation management. i've always wanted to work in the aviation industry since young. i dno why, i just have a thing for planes. actually if i were to apply to aus now for aviation management, im pretty sure i'll get it with my grades, just tht i dont have the money. well maybe i only have myself to blame. if i wanted tht so much, i shld have worked harder for wht i wanted. but on the other hand, life doesnt always go the way i want it, life isnt always the way we want it to be. or rather, God has smth else better in store for me. cos im totally sure i deserved better grades than wht i got. oh and ZL gt 6As, bt he didnt go up stage cos he was late! bt neither did i hear his name leh =x well i expected him to go on stage alr, bt nt 6As. haha. well everyone knows he's such a smart ass la. bt im really proud of him (: gotta really thank him for reminding me tht God has the best plans for me (: made me feel so much better.
okay so time for some serious decisions to be made now. i really wanna take psychology or sociology cos i just find interest in studying abt ppl, how/why they behave in a certain manner, be it norm or abnorm. but the thing is, sociology is nth specify, its way too general, then psy gotta do up till masters/phd in order to practise it in sg. which comes the thought of WHAT IF i dont make it all the way there. i know it sounds so inconfident of myself bt i mean i gotta be realistic in such situations and have a backup plans if ever all the 'WHAT IFs' happen by murphy's law. and im really worried/scared if i can really cope cos its FASS-faculty of arts and social science. for goodness sake i've always been a science student ever since day 1. i was nv trained as an arts student, nv trained to write like an arts student. communications in new media seems interesting too. project&facilities management/real estate seems fun too. but my friend says proj&fac mgmt is very general mgmt lvl, cos they learn a bit of everything, so cant do much also cos nt v specialised. sigh. i really dno. or i shld go general engineering then specialise in year 2? tht sounds fine too. bt i gotta work real hard, cos wht if i dont gt into the specialised engineering tht i want? then its like GG. thts why im gna meet the girls this wed to talk abt it. so much for missing the open hse. bleah =x okay bt i was in need for a greater purpose. i'll talk abt it ltr (:
sat went for smu open hse with tiffy. hmmm nt exactly where i wld wanna go cos its a very biz sch. modules and courses are way limited. bt sch life wise is superb i have to say. its really happening and stuff. yup. bt nus wld be a better choice in any sense, be it location or its social science. NUS is like how near my hse. haha. then went marina barrage with soar. its a real b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l place! (: thou it rained initially, bt glad it stopped towards the end so we cld walk out and take photos! XD
same sunday the 8th and it was a bloody exciting day cos we planned a surprise party for my bro's 21st! (: rushed over aft dance. it was at auntie elsa's function room. auntie elsa bluffed him tht we were gg for dinner tgt to celebrate his birthday. then she said go to gym room to ask his son and hubby to go up and change to dinner, then we brought him to the function room (which he thought was the gym room -.-..) and tada! i was really fun and exciting (:i managed to gt church friends, his high sch friends, college friends, choir friends over. and he was really totally SURPRISED. and cried almost thruout cos he say he feel so loved! awww..how sweet. haha. wht a lovely sister he has right. HAHA. (yes tht made him waive off the 2.50 which i owe him for chicken rice. LOL!) theres buffet, sushi, cake, drinks, some games and songs. and he got a roger federer K-16 tennis racquet okay, no joke. so cool la. so jealous. bleah. lols.
when everything ended and just as he thought everything was over, he got another surprise waiting for him at home-his med friends (: bt he ran outta tears to cry alr. lols. but before tht, it was so scary and exciting at the same time cos someone drove us home, which was like 10mins only, i msg his med friends say we're on the way back alr-tht was like at 945. bt the med friend say cannot cannot, haven deco finish, drag till like 1030, i was like wth? how am i supposed to do tht when someone is sending us all the way back to our BLOCK. and cant possibly ask him to detour or smth wht cos nt v nice mah, ppl so nice send us back alr still request so much, nxt day got work somemore. and its nt like 5 min leh, its like 45mins. goodness gracious. and my bloody phone kept shutting down, i was so annoyed. plus when the car turned into the carpark, its obviously visible tht my hse door was open and the lights were all on. i freaked out cos i was like shit my bro might have seen tht. bt he didnt say anything, so guess he missed tht. so i just asked my mum to bring my bro go shengsiong. and so i went home first cos i was tired. phew. his med friends were still tying up the happy birthday words and balloons and stuff. it was really pretty (: and they just kept surprising him somehow when more ppl came cos they were late! then they played wii. its looked super fun and funny. raving rabbids is just hilarious. i wanna gt wii too! it can be a family investment XD
bt seriously, he has really really nice friends, nth more anyone cld ask for. and really gotta thank auntie elsa for providing the room and food and stuff, and esther for helping me to get ppl to deco the place and bonnie for sending out countless sms to glowing ppl cos it was all super super last min. plus i just got my results and all the uni stuff bothering me, i almost died man, so really thank everyone for helping and keeping the secret within (:
wed 11th went for zong pop with tiffy. wht a son. haha! yes its all the way at tekong. pretty much the same when my bro popped. everyone looked exactly the same, seriously. lols. managed to see lunny too! while derrick was too busy taking photos to find us. if i really had a son, i wld have felt mega proud of him (rmb i have utmost respect for soldiers) everything was cool, quite nice. his mum fetched him frm pasir ris and was so nice to give us a lift to BB. we were gg to meet simin anw to go ikea to eat! (: then walked ard queensway cos i needa gt fbts for mission trip. thurs was 4h dinner at marche! woohoo (: great catching up with all, esp the army guys. even leonard and derrick went, yes im so totally NOT joking. and mayqi, i havent seen her in such a longggg while. lunny came despite feeling a lil sick. so nice, he must have missed us a lot. haha. i desperately wanted to meet up cos i'll be flying the wk they're off! and god knows when will they be free again for gathering. my son is mega pro at DDR okay. he prolly has secret prac sessions when im nt home. lols! then had coffee talk at starbucks. thou its all army stuff, bt kinda interesting to hear all the different stories frm all the diff army guys. lol.
2d dinner on fri at err...i forgot the name of the eatery. anw its the one right beside page one. great catching up with 2d too, havent met them in ages, cny was the last time if im nt wrong. thou nt many turned up, bt its better than nth i guess. i got to know tht many 2d ppl didnt do really well, bt its okay, we still have each other (: sometimes it just gets annoying and tiring organising such stuff cos sometimes some ppl just dont give a damn abt such stuff, and you really feel dishearted at times. cos more often than not, its a matter of choice whether they turn up or not. i mean everyone has to make an effort, its really nt easy-no one ever said it wld be. thou i also do understand tht we're no longer kids anymore, and sometimes responsibilities really means responsibilities, cant abandon things as and when we like anymore, like how we used to a couple of years back-cos we were still kids. yes i do accept tht fact, but its just smth tht i personally feel sad abt for humans. i mean i dont deny tht i feel this way, but yeah, i do try to understand. thts why i always appreciate ppl for making the effort to turn up, be it they're mega busy or super free.
win, sha, sue and me still went to catch my bloody valentine 3D. goodness. its bloody gory and uber disgusting , plus the 3D effect, imgine how disturbing it is. lol bt win was so funny cos she thought the movie isnt seen thru a screen, just wear the special glasses and everything is seen thru the glasses itself. the glasses were just for the 3D effect la. haha. cabbed home AGAIN. cos im freaking tired and i still gotta rush home to pack my luggage cos i have a plane to catch the nxt morn. thts when i really wished so much so much - was there to send me home again (:
love;game?
the voice of truth
tells me a different story
the voice of truth says
'do not be afraid'
Monday, March 2, 2009;
♥ 8:24 AM
was having a real bad time ytd. yeah so this is gna be a trash out session. so dont read if you dont wanna be affected. (okay actually i think no one really reads my blog, so nvm)
was so excited abt dinner & stayover with girlfriends after 2 months. but it turned out to be a reality check, totally not wht I expected.
dinner ended up with her friends. well yes thou she did ask if we mind. but it'd be just kinda mean to say yes we do then she'll have to part with them and miss gathering with them and stuff(thou she sees them 5days a wk alr), or maybe it'll just put her in a v difficult position. bt personally i didnt mind tht much cos i was thinking there'd be slpover ltr, so we can always catch up ltr over at her hse. bt guess other gf wasnt really okay, thou she didnt say, i should have sensed it right from the start frm her response. damn it. i actually thought her dont mind with the condition was really DONT MIND. and i shld have further guessed when she took near 2hrs to reach. when i called why she's taking so long to come, she said raining, so i wanted to borrow umbrella to go fetch her, but when she heard, she immd said oh rain stop alr and ended the call.
then she was quite quiet, then like quite sian thruout. then suddenly she say she go buy smth, ask us call her ltr. but when we called her when we're leaving, she said she's on the bus home alr. i was like totally stunned, seriously. i didnt know how to react. guess other gf was shocked too. i really couldnt understand her decision. cos its like i was very quiet thruout too, i was just listening them talking and stuff. its nt as if i was enjoying my time there. i dno, i just think she didnt have to do tht. bt aft tht she said SHE dont even have time for us, next time bah. tht sentence just got into me, so strongly. then i thought like yeah its true also, she really dont even have time for us. so maybe afterall i was the stubborn one, decieving myself tht she'll fill us in aft dinner when we gt to her hse.
by murphy's law, everything i didnt expect/want to happen, happened. so aft tht i was telling gf i still wanna stayover at hers, at least she can fill me in first. and surprise surprise! she said she havent asked her mum, and she wld wanna 'slp' with her mum and talk to her cos her parents have been unhappy with her lately cos she's always out for camps, nv at home, then like dont care about family anymore and stuff. so maybe wont be a gd time to slpover. i was like wth? i mean initially both of us were supposed to slpover alr. imgaine if the other gf stayed on thinking we'd be slping over ltr, yet in the end find out oops sorry we cant, wouldnt tht be even worse? i mean its just so unethical and mean in a way. as in like, if tht was wht she thought of initially, she shldn't have given us the green light and say yeah we can stayover, tht wld be fine. if she said no she's nt free, i wldnt feel so sad, or i wouldnt feel sad at all cos we cant meet up (cos she has nv been able to meet up with us since jan, so im too numb to her 'oh-no-so-sorry-i-cant-im-not-free-cos-i-have-camps/smth on') i know it sounds mean, but in tht sense i wouldnt feel sad at all or tht sad. its the DISAPPOINTMENT i get outta my expectations tht makes me feel so awful and dejected.
maybe i shld have gotten the hint tht she didnt really want us to stayover cos she asked 3 times 'so how? - how as in like are we still gg her place to stayover or wht.' sadly i was too dumb to sense tht, until ltr she told me how i didnt realise tht she kept asking cos she didnt really want us over. so aft dinner i thought she was gg back alr, but she said she's gg mustafa w them to gt some stuff for camp. so i said i didnt mind gg along cos i didnt really wanna go home cos i was prepared to stay out alr anw. then she was like 'are you sure you wanna join us, cos we might be done quite late' i said nvm, cos anw the one who drives says he live in the west and can drop us home. so as long as i can get home, i'd be fine with anything. she asked me a few times too. aft i hopped on, she told me they're gg for coffee first then mustafa, and might get really late. i was like wht?! goodness. its no wonder she slps 2-3hrs a day cos she always hangs out soooo late. so i was like oh nvm la, i'll just sit for a while then maybe i'll go off on my own ltr. then she decided to just tell me straight tht 'they have smth to say' by typing on the hp. so i was like OH. then i realised all along she's been hinting to me to ask me go home and dont go w them. she prolly knew right frm the start they wld be gg for coffee then mustafa to gt stuff, so she was hinting me not to go mustafa w them.
okay so she walked me to the bustop. and i think she really couldnt stand my dumbness and insensitivity anymore cos thru the whole ordeal earlier on, she hinted me on 3 things, nt to slpover, nt to go mustafa, not to go coffee. in which the last she decided to just tell me straight cos she know i'll prolly nv get her msg of 'go home, dont come w us'. yeah so she started tht i shldnt have asked some guy to help me collect stuff when i dont know him well. she said he prolly gave some hints to send the msg tht i dont know him well why am i asking him to help me. she said this is not the first time alr, there're couple of other instances, which she cant rmb. so she says these are unspoken rules which i have to take note of, have to be more sensitive or alert when ppl speak in a certain way/manner, they might be trying to hint smth. cos its like nxt time when i go out to work and deal with different ppl, they're not obliged to tell me to take note of this and that, they might just get pissed or freak out and stay away from me and thats it. they're not gna correct me abt this and that, the do's and dont's. well i totally agree with her. she being my bestie thts why she bothers telling me, just like a mum.
bt precisely its frm bestie, thts why it pricks my heart and hurts cos i know how true it is, for a bestie to tell me tht. well bt yeah, truthful words are nv pleasant to the hear. bt i really do appreciate her for telling me so. i wonder who ever wld if she doesnt. and yes i do agree tht i may be very insensitive at times. i dno if im dumb or wht. i just dont think much into wht ppl say. i take it as a-very-matter-of-fact. i dont like playing guessing games or thinking games when conversing. so whtever ppl say, i just take it as it is. dont really bother if there's a hidden agenda or anything. prolly i just dont like the idea of thinking so hard or suspecting ppl's words for wht they are. i mean dont they find it just too taxing to converse in this manner, to have a hidden agenda in every sentence? i find tht this makes the whole environment ard you and your relationships with ppl ard you very superficial and unreal due to the lack of trust and honesty. but i guess this skill will be essential in working life and i will have to mastered it sooner or later. or else ppl will just find me a nuisance someday due to my insensitivity. or ppl with a different frequency will just nv get it =x
bt i have no idea why she nv has time for us. i mean yes obviously i know she's hell busy (i mean who doesnt know right?) bt you can see tht she hangs out pretty much with her camp mates outta camp too (as you see from the photos on fb). or just take dinner tht night as an example, why cant she just sacrifice having dinner with them JUST THIS ONCE (with the fact tht she's alr with them 5 days a wk) and just come have dinner with the 2 of us alone. well i know for a fact tht she's treated. and yes i paid for my gf's share cos she left halfway. well bt thts nt the point. this is clearly a matter of choice, and if this decision of hers implies tht she favours them over us, well then guess im just SPEECHLESS. Keeping your friends close to you is nv a matter of convenience, it needs sacrifice, time and effort, of which im not guilty to say i have not done. Obviously she conveniently merged our dinners tgt, which shouldnt be the way. Well im not saying we cant have dinners tgt if her intention was to introduce her friends to us and we to her friends, bt tht obviously wasnt her intention. prolly she was just too irritated with us bugging her to meet up and stuff, so she just sweepingly agreed to have dinner and stayover just to shut our ass up and leave her alone. Yea maybe we really shld, cos it ALWAYS takes 2 hands to clap.
maybe prolly until some day when she's dead bored (well i guess tht will NEVER happen) or when smth happened at camp, then she MIGHT come look for us. thou thts exactly wht friends are for - to be in every kind of shit with you and to hold your back whenever you're about to fall. thou thts wht i say, but guessed i'll nv be able to just leave her alone cos i cant bare to see us drift apart, i'll nv want to and i dont wanna risk tht. its too big a bet.
obviously i didnt and wont tell her all these cos she felt so bad alr tht night for treating us like tht. how do you expect me to say all these out. and i cant bare to see her sad or make her feel any worse. but maybe i shld tell her someday too, about things btw her parents and her. think the issue shld be dealt with soon, or it might just escalate into smth really bad and awful beyond repair. but also needa find time to talk to her and stuff. actually im glad she's quitting full time aft mar. cos its really just too tiring.
i was so down tht i just needed someone to talk to. even if its just entertaining me abt unrelated stuff just to kp my mind of the matter. thought of geodude and peanuts, but guess i shouldnt bother them cos they prolly have their own stuff to bother abt. and another gf is prolly down too. i mean thou she says she's fine, but its obvious tht she isn't. but since she said tht, she prolly doesnt wanna talk abt it anymore so guess i shld just leave her alone too (goodness i actually got tht sign!) but J was really nice to hear me out, thanks a lot dude. i really needed tht, its really appreciated! (:
wonder why ppl whom we love most are the ones who'll disappoint us the most. prolly cos we've got so much higher expectations of them as compared to the others, hence it will seem tht they disappoint us the most. but we're all just human, so are they.
after saying all these, i still love my gfs (:
And then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember ...
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
That's what friends are for;
(:
the voice of truth
tells me a different story
the voice of truth says
'do not be afraid'